Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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