I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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