just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
third nipple confirmed
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
