Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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