My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
