Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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