My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
