sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Sacagawea was the original milf.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
