I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
