How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
