apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
