Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
