tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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