i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
