he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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