hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
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Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
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It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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