We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
