Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Randomize
