I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
