Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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