ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
