I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
