sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
