just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
