two words: eviction party
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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