Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
