Dual....:-)
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
