you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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