I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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