Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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