oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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