so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Randomize
