Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
