Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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