"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
