i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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