On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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