happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
