I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
