You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I look better un-naked...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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