a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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