11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
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Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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