Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
