Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
