I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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