So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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