I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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