3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
