Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
