Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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