nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
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She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
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I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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