It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
