I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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