I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
