I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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