be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
