If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
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You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
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My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick