I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
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apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
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You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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