She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
