I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
farters have to be the big spoon...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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